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Rumour has it that Gwyneth Paltꦚrow's pet name for this grim outing is "A View From My Ass". Hardly surprising, really - having been kept in a holding pattern since 9/11, this tedious rom-drama finally touches dow☂n truncated and mutilated.

Paltrow is a white-trash smalltown gal who dreams of becoming an airline stewardess. She's the finest trainee in her class, but loses out when her `best' mate Christina Applegate swaps exam papers with her. The next 40 minutes plots a predictable flight path, with Gwynnie 🐽struggling to prove she was wronged so🐭 that she can take to the skies.

This should never have left the ground. Paltrow is miscast, her aristocratic languor clashing 𓄧visibly with her protagonist's working-class guilelessness, while Mike Myers' grotesque `comic' turn as a cross-eyed instructor belongs in a different movie altogether. But what really transforms this short hop into a long haul is Bruno Baretto's evident d🔜iscomfort behind the camera. Saddled with a plot that jets erratically between sappy romance, Euro travelogue and vulgar farce, the Brazilian filmmaker fails to establish a consistent tone. Small wonder that entire scenes (including Myers' ill-conceived terrorist gags) ended up on the cutting-room floor, resurfacing as outtakes during the end credits.

In fact, only Applegate's ไsterling work as Paltrow's treacherous pal upgrades th♏is from one-star ignominy. And that's on a good day with the wind behind it.

The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism. They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, News Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Emily Murray. Expect exclusive news, reviews,🌊 features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.