2. Navi, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time / Nintendo 64 - (AKA “Firefly from Hell,” “Tinkerbell’s Bastard Cousin,” or “STFU ALREADY”)

Why:
You know why. Was there ♔ever a more annoying sidekick/targeting reticule in the world? Sure, she was “cute” in that Tinkerbell sort of way- but༺ Tink had class whereas Navi was utterly tactless. She led you off cliffs, distracted you from cool stuff. And she never, ever shut the hell up- even when we might have had a shot at finally getting to second base with Zelda.

“Hey, listen!” “Hey, listen🔯!&rdq🍬uo; “LOOK!”

Eff you, eff𒈔in' fairy. We won’t listen. We won’t look. We’ll just fantasize about something terrible happening to you.

How we’d do it:
…the Tinkerbell thing keeps us from going too ballistic. And it’s not like we can give her a black eye (does she even have eyes?), but we can shut her in a soundprooftank full 🥀of starving bullfrogs and watch the fun. It’s like Gladiator... only be🐭tter.