The Reduced SFX company revisits BBC Three’s supernatural chiller in one stripped-down script, by Jayne Nelson

OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SHOW

Schoolboy PAUL is a GEEK who is really an ANGEL. He’s the only person capable of defeating the EVIL FADES [these are🧜 actually GHOSTS but no⛎body is allowed to call them that]. Even though this is a BBC SHOW, there is SEX and SWEARING and lots of GROSS BODY HORROR. Not that we are COMPLAINING, mind.

ACT ONE

PAUL and his COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC are pissin🤪g about in an ABANDONED MALL.

COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Star Wars ! Star Trek ! X-Men ! Batman !
PAUL: I don’t like this abandoned mall. It’s creepy.
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Spider-Man ! Inception ! Joss Whedon is my god!
PAUL: Yeah, yeah, okay, we get the point. You’re a geek and you’re talking geek-talk at me.
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: I’m also pretty wicked on a bike. Watch me pull this wheelie! Whe♑ee! The Force is with me!

PAUL wanders off into the D⛎ARK and sees a WOMAN fall tℱo her DEATH after being ATTACKED by an EVIL CREATURE.

PAUL: WTF?
NEIL: Wotcha, kid.
PAUL: Who are you?
NEIL: I’m an Angelic, and so are you. In fact, you’re our Chosen One.
PAUL: You mean I’m Buffy?
NEIL [shiftily]: Uh, actually I didn’t mean to say “Chosen One”, sorry. That’s a cliché. And we’re avoiding clichés by the cunning ruse or renaming them. You’re just... special. Yeah, that’s it. Special.
PAUL: Are you coming on to me?
NEIL: What, in those trousers?

It’s TRUE, because PAUL is wearing horrendous PURPLE TROUSERS. This is because he is a GEEK and GEEKS have NO FASHION SENSE, apparently. We would BEG TO DIFFER, but what could we know, being GEEKS o🦄urselves?

ACT TWO

PAUL and MAC are at SCHOOL. They are💃 being BULLIED.

YOUNGER SCHOOLKIDS: Ha ha, you guys suck!
PAUL: I don’t get it. Why does everyone hate us?
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Because you’re wearing purple trousers and I’m wearing a coat from 1983 that wasn’t even fashionable back then. Avengers assemble!
PAUL: My life sucks. Even my sister hates me.

PAUL’S SISTER, ANNA, arrives.

PAUL’S SISTER: I ****ing hate you!
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Hello, Anna. How are you today? I quite fancy you.
PAUL’S SISTER: **** off, you ****ing geeky piece of ****!
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: She loves me really. Klaatu barada nikto!

MEAN🌠WHILE, the WOMAN who died, SARAH, is back as a GHOST. Sorry... we ♈mean FADE.

SARAH: Hello, Neil. I didn’t ascend. I’m going to be stuck here forever and ever.
NEIL: Sucks to be you. But who cares? There’s a war on and I’m a soldier! I don’t care about anybody, not even myself! That’s why I get injured every week and just carry on as normal. What are a few gaping wounds when you’ve got a world to save?
SARAH: You’re a bit weird, you are.
NEIL: I’m so tough I can have eye surgery without even blinking!
SARAH: Maybe you should leave me alone now.
NEIL: And as for baths, who’s got time for that nonsense? Soldiers don’t have to smell nice! Do you think I’ve got time for that crap?
SARAH: Sꩲeriously, Neil, piss off. Go stalk a schoolboy or something.

ACT THREE

SARAH visits her HUSBAND, MARK, who unfortunately can’t see her and SHAGS ANOTHER WOMAꦐN.

SARAH: I’m going to stand here and watch despondently because I have nowhere else to go.
THE AUDIENCE: You’re a ghost. Yo🌃u can walk into your local cinema and wa🅺tch films for free now, you know.

The CREATU💫RE that killed SARAH is a FADE who has found a way to BECOME HUMAN AGAIN. He kills more PEOPLE. MARK becomes a SUSꦺPECT because the POLICE are running around like HEADLESS CHICKENS and he’s as GOOD A CANDIDATE as any.

SARAH: I know – I’m going to become human again, and that way I can have my husband back, clear him from blame and work to bring down the ghosts... sorry, Fades from the inside. How’s that for a plan?
NEIL: Great! You just drink my blood and lie in this bath of hideous gloop for a few hours, then.
SARAH: Okay!
THE AUDIENCE: This is pretty effed up right here.

BIRDS keep falling out of the sky, but nobody GIVES A DAMN, pr🍷obably 🤪because they already saw it in FLASHFORWARD. This is SILLY, because in REAL LIFE this shit makes headlines. ( )

PAUL: La la la, I may be an Angelic and ghosts are real and birds are falling from the sky and the world is going to end – but I don’t care!
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Why’s that, then? Nanu nanu!
PAUL: I’ve got a hot girlfriend!
JAY: Wotcha.
PAUL: See?
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Whoa, so you have! High-fives all round, my man! But how come your purple trousers didn’t repel her?
JAY: My own sense of fashion is pretty skewed, so I don&♚rsquo;t care. Also, Paul grows wings when we have sex. That’s, like, totally awesome.

COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: That’s wicked!꧂ Now I just have to woo Anna and we’ll all be happy🤡. Quick, to the Batmobile!

ACT FOUR

The LEADER of the GHOSTS... sorry, FADES is called JOHN. He wan♔ts to make all the FADES HUMAN again, but this means DRINKING HUMAN BLOOD. He takes over the town and𒀰 KILLS LOTS OF PEOPLE.

NEIL: You have to stop this, Paul! You’re our only hope! You are the Chosen One... I mean... You’re special! Oh, sod it. You’re our Buffy, Paul!
PAUL: I don’t want to be the Chosen One! I want to be normal and snog my girlfriend and hang out with Mac and pretend none of this is happening!
PAUL’S SISTER: My ****ing boyfriend has gone ****ing missing. This is so ****ing unfair. What the **** is wrong with this ****ing town?
PAUL: Hmm. I suppose this is getting a bit serious now, so I’ll do what you say.
NEIL: Great, because you’re the only one who can kill John.
PAUL: I’m not a murderer!
NEIL: Oh sh🦋ut up♌ and kill him, you purple-trousered nerd.

But their PLANS are THWARTED whenꦆ PAUL is SQUISHED by a car. He comes back as a GHOST.

PAUL: Wow, I’m a Fade!

Sorry, we meant FADE.

JOHN: Hello, Paul. I see you’re a Fade now. We need to talk, man to man. Follow me.
PAUL: Right-o.

JOHN leads PAUL up onto a ROOF.

JOHN: Psych! Now you’ll be up on this roof forever and ever! Because you can’t open doors you can’t leave and you’ll be trapped here for all time!
PAUL: But I’m dead already, so why can’t I just jump off the roof? It’s not like I’d kill myself.
JOHN: ...
PAUL: You mean to tell me that no Fade ever in the history of Fades has thought of that, so you’ve all been stranded on roofs for years?
JOHN: Shut up.

ACT FIVE

SARAH is now HUMAN again, so she goeဣs to see her HUSBAND and they HAVE SEX.

THE AUDIENCE: We hope she showered off all that hideous gloop. It must have gotten everywhere .
SARAH: I did, and my hair’s in fabulous condition now. That stuff’s done wonders for my split ends!
SARAH’S HUSBAND: You smell like raw burgers, darling. I think I’ll run away with the other woman I was shagging.
SARAH: Bollocks.

Elsewhere, COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC is kidnappe𝕴d by NEIL, who has gone a bit DOOLꦇALLY.

NEIL: Paul has to kill John, right? So I will take you as insurance that he’ll do it.
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Great. I’m totally Robin to his Batman, aren’t I? ꦿI hate being the comedy sidekick. I want to be the hero, dammit. I want to get the girl for once! Up, up and awayyyy!

He gets IMPRISONED with PAUL’S SISTER.

COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Now’s my chance! Hey, Anna.
PAUL’S SISTER: **** off you ****ing **** it’s all your ****ing fault this is happening you ****headed piece of ****!
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: Methinks she 🐬doth pro💝test too much. I’m in here.

ACT SIX

NEIL has gone totally BATSARSE CRAZY and shoots JAY DEAD. It is SHOCKING and UNEXPEC🧸TED. As we grapple with this JAW-DROPPI📖NG TURN OF EVENTS, PAUL finally decides to confront JOHN in the BIG SHOWDOWN.

JOHN: I’m just an ordinary bloke, honest!
PAUL: No, you’re not. You kill people. You don’t have to, you know. Come on, be a good guy! Don’t make me hurt you!
JOHN: Bog off, like ♍I 𒁏need lifestyle advice from a guy in purple trousers.

They FIGHT. PAUL wins. His PURPLE T🍸ROUSERS are rui🗹ned. He also manages to EFF UP THE UNIVERSE, which we determine from the fact the SKY GOES A FUNNY COLOUR.

PAUL: Oops.
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: We’re free! Paul saved us!
PAUL’S SISTER: I’m so ****ing relieved I’ll let you touch my boob. Go on.
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: [Pokes boob]
PAUL’S SISTER: So?
COMEDY SIDEKICK MAC: I am a man now.

FADE TO BLACK

Sorry, we meant GHOST TO BLACK

Wait, hang on...

FADE TO BLACK

Script by Jayne Nelson

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