This week the Reduced SFX Company presents: How To Write An Episode Of Ghost Whisperer , Season Five
Season Five step-by-step writer’s guide
SCENE ONE
MEL is in her antiques shop, wearing something that normally any woman would only wear on date with GEORGE CLOONEY . She looks mildly puzzled. Enter best friend DELIA .
DELIA: There’s a new family in the old house by the graveyard. I know this because I am a realtor. Oh, and stop encouraging my son NED to be a ghost hunter💯. He’ll end up dead. MEL: I’m sorry DELIA, but he needs to be in on t𒁏he action because all the middle-aged women who watch the show think he’s adorable.
ENTER NED , peering adorably from under his fringe.
NED: Hey, Mel. Hey, mom. DELIA: Have you finished your homework? NED: No, I’ve been snogging the daughter of that new family in the house by the graveyard. She’s hot, but kinda odd. MEL: In what way? NED: I think she’s haunted. DELIA: What makes you𝐆 think that? NED: Because every girl I date is haunted.
SCENE TWO
MEL , weari꧒ng a different dress, approaches the hous🅰e by the graveyard. She looks mildly puzzled.
Enter the GHOST OF A TEENAGE SKATER DUDE . He is BLUE
MEL: What do you want? Why are you haunting this girl?
GHOST: Slush puppies!
GHOST vanishes. MEL looks mildly puzzled, c✨hange♏s into another dress, then knocks on the door of the house. A middle-aged woman opens it. She’s crying.
MEL: Is your daughter haunted? Has anyone close to you suffered a horrible, grisly death lately?
WOMAN: No. Go away you mawkish freak.
MEL: I talk to ghosts.
WOMAN: Oh, that’s okay then. Come in and ha🅘ve a cup of tea.
MEL looks mildly puzzled and enters the house
SCENE THREE
The living room of the HOUSE BY THE GRAVEYARD . ENTER MEL (looking puzzled) and WOMAN (crying).
MEL: Why are you crying?
WOMAN: I’m not. No, I’m really not. Because nothing so bizarre as my daughter’s boyfriend being accidentally killed by my husband’s secret gay lover in a vat of slush pu… er, cotton candy has happened to make me cry.
MEL: Oh okay. But if you do remember an♔ything that might make you cry, here’s my card.
ENTER GHOST . Only MEL can see him. She looks slightly puzzled.
GHOST: Slush puppies, blue hands!
MEL: Blue hands? What do you mean?
GHOST: Oh coღme on. It’s far too early in the episode for me to start making any sense yet.
SCENE FOUR
MEL is at home. She is in a new dress. Her son, AIDEN , is playing in the corner.
AIDEN: I see dead people.
MEL: Get your own act.
AIDEN: I see shiny dead people.
MEL: What? Gasp! Oh my God. You’re developing… an arc plot. There🌺 must be pills for that.
MEL ’s husband Jim arrives home. He avoids mirrors. MEL looks slightly puzzled.
[caption id="attachment_27142" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="Note to writers: Jim should look like this now, but you can ignore all that…"] [/caption]
MEL: Why are you avoiding mirrors?
JIM: Because even though the writers seem to have forgotten all about it, last season I died and my spirit entered the body of another guy. So I don’t really look like this any more. And I’m not actually called Jim but Sam now. And you married me when I was Sam. But the middle-aged women in the audience think I’m a hunk, so they didn’t want to replace me permanently and the we just ignore all that now.
MEL: Oh. I’d forgotten that too. That probably explains the lack of wedding photos around the house. Good day at the hospital?
JIM: Yeah. You know what was really strange? A man came in suffering from chilblains.
MEL: What’s strange about that?
JIM: Because ༺his hands were also stained… a BLUEBERRY colour💧!
ENTER GHOST
GHOST: Wooooo-ooooooo! Blueberry slush puppies!
EXIT GHOST . MEL looks puzzled
MEL: Oh my God. She was lying about the candy floss. It was slush puppies! I must phone ELI !
JIM: Why?
MEL: Because the writers think massive infodum🍎ps are slightly less dull if they’re done on the phone.
SCENE FIVE
ELI ’s office at the university. ELI is on the phone to MEL . He eats takeaway while he talks, b🅠ecause he’s quir💮ky like that.
ELI: You think he killed him by drow🐼ning him in slush puppy? That’s not ice. Is he a cool c❀ustomer? That’s some kind of puppy love. You know, I read something once about ice spirits. Apparently if someone is violently killed in a bizarre frozen beverage accident, their ghosts can be really chilling. Geddit? Chilling? Okay, I’ll shut up now.
SCENE SIX
MEL , having changed into a wedding dress, confronts the FATHER of the NEW FAMILY who’ve moved into the HOUSE BY THE GRAVEYARD
MEL: Did your gay lover accidentally kill your daughter’s boyfriend in a bizarre frozen beverage related accident?
FATHER: No. How dare you?! Don’t you know that at this point in the episod🧸e there has to be a really contrived twist?
ENTER GHOST . He is now GREEN . Mel looks slightly puzzled.
MEL: Can you fill us in on the plot now?
GHOST: Yeah sure. We’re five minutes from the end of the episode. Y’see the problem is I forgot I was colour blind. I thought I was killed in a vat of blue slush puppy, but in fact it was a vat of gooseberry slush puppy.
FATHER: And my gay lover is allergic to gooseberries.
GHOST: That’s right. I remember now, it was your wife who murdered me!
MEL: So no⭕w you’re reconciled with your girlfriend’s father, we can all cry a bit and you can walk into the light.
They all cry a bit and the GHOST walks into the light.
SCENE SEVEN
MEL is at home, now in one of Widow Twanky’s cast-offs, playing with AIDEN
AIDEN: I want a slush puppy.
MEL (tutting): I don’t think so dear. I’ve had enough of slush puppies for one day.
AIDEN: Okay. I won’t argue because I’m insufferably well behaved. But I will mention the shiny people again, just to make the end of the episode sound intriguin🌊g.
MEL looks slightly puzzled.
THE END
Dave is a TV and film journalist who specializes in the science fiction and fantasy genres. He's written bookꦅs about film posters 🎃and post-apocalypses, alongside writing for SFX Magazine for many years.
