The Reduced SFX Company presents everything you need to know about Buffy Season One in a five-minute script

SCRIPTEASE #2:

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Season One

OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SEASON

A schoolgirl “chosen” to kill vampires falls in love with one (it’s, like, ironic, d’uh!). S🥃he then has to save her town with the help of her kooky friends.

TEASER

BUFFY SUMMERS runs through a graveyard in her stylish yet affordable boots. She is attacked by a VAMPIRE with the show’s soon-to-changed BUMPY FOREHEAD #1 . Instead of the VAMPIRE sinking its teeth into her neck, she sinks a WOODEN STAKE into its heart. After this, BUFFY makes a CONSCIOUSLY POST-MODERN QUIP that is both hilarious and knowing. All horror-movie tropes about DEFENSELESS BLONDE GIRLS and MONSTERS have been turned on their head. Get used to it.

CUE: CREDITS WITH SLIGHTLY OUT-OF-STEP THEME TUNE THAT WILL HAVE TO BE SNEAKILY RE-RECORDED FOR SEASON TWO

ACT ONE

BUFFY trains with her WATCHER , fusty British gent RUPERT GILES , in a deserted LIBRARY . She tells him that because she is this generation’s SLAYER it’s affecting her grades and the PRINCIPAL is annoyed with her. Then the PRINCIPAL gets eaten by a pack of human hyenas, which is GROSS .

BUFFY: School is hell.
HYENAS: Belch!
BUFFY: Hey, do I have to patrol tonight? I have a date!

GILES [ CLEANS GLASSES ]: Well, I don’t know, um, the thing is, Buffy, really you should train some more because, umꦯ, you have a destiny and you are the Chosen One and good lord, my glasses really are dirty, aren’t they?

ACT TWO

The adorably confuzzled WILLOW ROSENBERG has a SECRET CRUSH on her friend XANDER HARRIS , who is one big walking hormone drooling over every woman he sees, even if they are actually a GIANT INSECT . Although to be fair to XANDER , he didn’t know that until she tried to RIP HIS HEAD OFF .

WILLOW: I love you, but I won’t tell you to your fa🐓ce because I am too adorably confuzzled to do anything that forceful.

XANDER: Wait, don’t you turn gay and become a witch who alꦡmost destroys the world?

WILLOW: Right now I’m still in 𝄹my adorably confuzzled stage, so you’ll h👍ave to bear with me.

WILLOW and XANDER get into trouble a lot. BUFFY spends all her time SAVING THEM and lots of other SCHOOLKIDS who don’t know that they live on a HELLMOUTH . The HELLMOUTH is a metaphor for ꦚꦕthe cruelties of life or something.

ACT THREE

BUFFY meets a tall, dark, brooding stranger called ANGEL and, because he is HOT , she starts experiencing feelings for him, which is awkward because he’s older than her. Also, he is a VAMPIRE . She doesn’t SLAY HIM because he is HOT .

ANGEL: I’ve watched you for a l🌱ong time. I love you.

BUFFY : I love you too! Even though you’re, like, totally my stalker and a vampire and wear w♛ay too much hair gel.

ANGEL: The Master wants you.

BUFFY: ...Are you being kinky?

ANGEL: No, idiot, he’s the Big Bad this year.

BUFFY: What’s a ‘Big Bad’?

ANGEL: Learn to speak Whedon. You’ve got anot💝her six years of it.

ACT FOUR

VAMPIRES conspire and hatch EVIL PLANS . BUFFY juggles killing every VAMPIRE in sight with the trials of school, fashion and DATING BOYS . All of these are a ಞm🌟etaphor for the cruelties of life or something.

GILES: The Master wants you, Buffy.

BUFFY: Angel left me a message?

GILES: No, youღ twit. I’m talking about ಞthe Big Bad this year.

BUFFY: How do I kill him, then?

GILES: The prophecies🦹 aren’t very clear, although that might be because I hadn’t cleaned my glasses enough when I read them.

BUFFY: Oh well, I’m going to get dressed up and look pretty just in case I can havꦜe a normal night out for once in m♒y miserable Chosen life.

BUFFY is attacked by VAMPIRES and her dress gets covered in BLOOD . ✅It’s a metaphor for the cruelties of life or something.

ACT FIVE

A new BUFFY-HATING PRINCIPAL arrives in the shape of QUARK from DEEP SPACE NINE . He isn’t eaten by anything (yet). Meanwhile, A ROBOT tries to kill WILLOW , a VENTRILOQUIST’S DUMMY causes havoc and CORDELIA CHASE is very pretty but rude to everybody. All of this is a metꦓaphor, but you probably knew that by now.

CORDELIA: Urgh, get aw🗹ay from me, 𒀰Harris. I loathe every fibre of your being.

XANDER: One day I will make out ✅with you! Just wait and see!

WILLOW: Don’t you want🀅 t♒o make out with me? Not even a little?

XANDER: No, you’re merely my best friend.

WILLOW: Damn my adorable confuzzled-ness!

ACT SIX

BUFFY is killed by THE MASTER . She gets better, though. We are all now thoroughly convinced that SCHOOL IS HELL , but we kind of like it. We’re also having far too much fun to notice all the METAPHORS .

FADE OUT TO:

MUTANT ENEMY MONSTER: Grrr. Arrgh.

THE END

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