Chopper Cropper
The came✨ra glides and swoops over some mountains because that looks really cool.
Stock footage of a helicopter on a sonar testing mission off🍌 the Alaskan coast. Shaky camera suggests a man in a helicopter pilot's uniform is the pilot of the he🧜licopter.
He'd better be careful wher🐭e he drops that sonar device...
Enter Deborah Gibson...
Stock ✤footage of underw﷽ater research diving vessel thing.
'Deborah ♌Gibson', the '80s pop princess who w♐asn't as good as Tiffany pretends to be piloting it by holding a joystick and looking into the screen.
She has a great love for the undersea w💜orld ("It's pure poetr🔯y!")
Stock footage of assorted marine life.
The Beasts Unleashed
"Something's messing up the whale's vibration pattern!"♏ gasps Deborah Gibson.
The camera shakes a lot and the helicopt🌠er crashes ("Holy crap!")
Turns out it's dropped a low-frequency sonar device that d💃isturbs some whales who crash into a glacier and awaken two massive prehistoric beasts.
Film on!
Octo-Crushed!
A Japan🅘ese oiling rig seems to be doing perfectly fine until a storm descends.
This makes it dark enough for the rubbi✃sh giant octopus CGI to sho𓂃w up and wrap tentacles around the platform.
The camera shakes to depict the horror on-board. Close-up of a giant octo-eye staring at the riggers as itཧ ♈destroys them for some reason.
The Whole Tooth
Deborah Gibson pulls a giant s♋hark tooth out of a beache🎃d whale.
She argues with a pesky corporate guy from the corporation that funds her research. He fires her. ("▨Don't love the ocean too ▨much - it doesn't love ya back!")
"There's something big out there," ponders Deborah Gi♍bson. "Really big..."
Flight Of Shark-Death
Stock foot🥃age of a model airliner flying comically fast through some cotton-wool clouds.
A g𓄧uy on-board looks out of the window ("Holy shit!")
The M❀ega Shark leaps up and chomps the plane but the shots are so brief and blurry and the camera so shaky we could only get a pꦯic of the man's face.
Tooth Wisdom
Deborah Gibson takes the giant shark tooth to her wise old Irish p𒉰rofessor 🐼who, in a very Irish way, calls her 'lassie' a lot.
"The bloody feds," he raᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚges. "Theyᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚ'll hound you until you're leaking from every orifice!" Eww.
Dr Irish-Fella looks i𒁃nto a microscope and proclaims the tooth🎉 is from a Megalodon, a prehistoric shark that was made extinct 1.5 million years ago.
"That's impossible!" gasps Deborah Gibson.
Environmental Interlude
Kindly Japanese sc𝓰ient💜ist Dr Shimada hooks up with Dr Irish-Fella and Deborah Gibson.
Dr Shimada shares a𓃲 comically unlikely lingering g🙈aze with Deborah Gibson who later slips into a lovely low-cut number before they all watch video taken during her undersea voyage.
They all gasp as they see images of a M𒐪ega Shark and a Giant Octopus, before having a resigned chat about how humans have exploited the natural world and melted the polar ice-caps and all that.
"Maybe this is our come-uppance..." mopes 🍌Debo𒅌rah Gibson.
Wild Fin
A US naval destroyer engages the Mega Shark.
The all-out action is repr♓esented with stock footage of a US destroyer firing its guns intercut with shots of men in sailor costumes shouting ("൩Send that big bastard down!")
A rubbery dorsal fin approaches a toy✨ boat in a bath.
The camera shakes. The shark wins.
Intervention
Deborah Gibson, Dr Irish-Fella and Dr ꦛShimada are arrested by the government.
Dr Irish-Fella pops out another slightly wro♛ng and icky line ("Twenty years ago my ideas were treated with disdain and discharge!")
Plenty♔ of unnecessary swearing here from a racist government official ("We have to find a way to stop this fucker!")
൩"What do you want?" asks D꧂eborah Gibson. "Solutions!" he confirms.
They all discuss how to trap the mega-creatures.
If onl🍨y something would incidentally ha𝐆ppen that could give them an idea how...
Animal Attraction
The trio pour some coloured l♏iquids int🉐o other coloured liquids.
They shake their heads a lot to depict disap🌃pointment.
Dr Shimada and Deborah Gibson kiss and 🔯enjoy an unconvincing sex scene in a store cupboard.
In the afterglow, they talk about how scent is a big attractor. Deborah Gibson has a eureka momentꦚ... ("Pheremones!")
The plan is to lure the megabeasts to separate bays using special monster perfum♈e and then, er, trap them✨ in some way...
Whipping Boys
A r꧙econnaisance plane flies too low and is whipped and exploded by the Giant Octopus.
ꦰ"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" screams the pilot with remarkable foresight just before the plane is hit.
Everyon🎀e ꧑shakes their heads and looks down to depict shock and horror.
Gapping The Bridge
In San Francisco, Debꦡorah Gibson and Dr Irish-Fella lay some pheremone bait for the Mega Shark.
But it leꩲaps up and bites the Golden Gate Bridge in half, killing hundreds of people.
The watching racist government official shakes his h🥂ead sadly to depict shock🌠 and horror.
Monster Mush
In a protracted finale of shaky cameras, the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus are drawn together off the Alaskan coast, have a big fight (with lotsඣ of squelching) and kill each other.
"What's happening?" someone shouts. "It's impossible to te🗹ll!" a colleague observes.
Indeed it is - because the CGI is so poor they have to keep the lighting really low.
"Looks like they finally finished what they started 18 million years ago!" notes Dr Irish-Fella as the Giant Octopus strangles the Mega Shark which somehow manages to kill t𝔍he Giant Octopus just before it dies.
Later, Deborah Gibson🧸 and Dr Shimada ponder🎉 their future on a beach.
They plan to visit the North Sea where🍌 reports suggest the presence of a plot idea that could lead to an unnecessary sequel.
That's it. All the best bits were in the trailer and we'll never have those precious 90-od🌟d minutes of life back.
But at least you only had to spend three or four minutes reading t🐲his feature to learn that Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is total and complete cock.
A third of a star. For the G🌜olden Gate Bridge bit.
