Online Exclusive: The top five videogame adaptations we'll never see
What we won'š°t see, why we won't see it, and why we don't care...
5. Manhunt
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
Manhunt is a veritable celebration of cinematic carnage, with a heroās journey plot, an action-hero leš°ad and an end-oš³f-level baddie that squeals like a pig and pegs it āround corridors with a chainsaw. Hell, it even stars Brian Cox.
WHY WEāLL NEVER SEE IT:
Two words, (one of which is actź¦
uaꦰlly ā2ā); Manhunt 2.
The escaped-asylum-inmate-goes-on-a-rampage plot of the sequel proved to be so controversial that the game ā already being heavily marketed at festivals and in style-mags ā was bšanned, with the unedited version ripped from production lines, consigned to the collections of the people who made it. We can picture them playing it with the lights off, gently weeping at what could have been. But thatās because weāre mean, and we like to imagine people crying.
To put it bluntly, the Manhunt brand recently lost 澳擲幸čæ5å¼å„å·ē åå²ę„询:Rockstar Games a bit of time and money, and we all know how Hollywood hates money. Oh, wait, they šŖlove it, don&ršsquo;t they?
WHY WEāRE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
Weāve already got Saw 3, Hostel 2 and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning ā do we really need another one of these flicks? And anyway, the joy of Manhunt is being able to be the psycho-killer youāve seen on so many cinema screens. Having to watch James Earš
l Cash go through the same old chainsaw-crap would be boring. By boring we donāt mean the drillļ·ŗ-kind. We mean dull.
4. Tetris
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WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
Itās made an onscreen appearance before, in the brilliant Office Space. But that was a fleeting glimpse ā weād wager that the most popular game of all š¼time deserves a film all of its own. If they can make Monopoly: The Movie, why not Tetris? Perhaps it could star Shia LeBeouf as an architect with an attꦿitude who has 24-hours to design and build a new city to house a community of robot assassins. Or something.
WHY WEāLL NEVER SEE IT:
Not even Hollywood is so creatively hollow that š·itād be prepared to greenlight a film about little coloured blocks slotting into other little coloured blocks. Well, not yet, anyway.
WHY WEāRE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
Are you mad? Itās a game in which the aim is to make little coloured blocks slot into other little coloured blocks! Itād be rubbiź¦sh!
3. Super Smash Bros. Brawl
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
The latest incarnation of Nintendoās fighter might not be out ātil December in the States, but the petition to get it on the big screen starts here. Itās the first Super Smash to feature third-party characters ā and the rumour-mill is currently insisting that one of those characters is Sonic The Hedgehog. Mario Vs. Sonic? Why, thatās a battle between good and evil that weāre sure would rake billions at the box officšŗe!
WHY WEāLL NEVER SEE IT:
The only confirmed third-party character so far is Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. Weāre pretty sure that Konami wonāt want to shove their flagship charaź¦cter into a Street Fighter style film which pitches him against a fat blob called Kirby in hand-to-hand combat. Call us crazy.
WHY WEāRE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
š· After sitting though 90 minutes of Bob Hoskins as an Italian plumber, we never want to see another film featuring Mario, if thaį¦tās all right with you.
2. Space Invaders
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
Itās one of the oldest games, and therešøfore one of the most well-known. Itād appeal to a broad range of demographics ā including your nan and her mates. Also, Space Invaders is cool. Fact.
WHY WEāLL NEVER SEE IT:
In these fast-paced CGI-gluttonous times, a big screen SF flick featuring a spaceship that can only move left and right fighting against the slowest invading force in ET-milāitary history might not sell too many tickets.
WHY WEāRE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
The Halo film isnāt having difficulty getting to our local Odeon.š½ We&rsquš°o;ve got bigger fish to fry.
1. Sonic The Hedgehog
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
Sonic is second only to Mario in terms of videogame iconography ā heās had his own comic, TV show, anime film, clothing range &ndasź¦h; buš»t no CGI movie? What gives?
WHY WEāLL NEVER SEE IT:
Actually, weāre not sure ā Sonicās message is perfect for our eco-friendly zeitgeist; he fights a fat man who invents carbon-footprint stomping machines to enslave cute little animals. Whatās not to like? Our only explanation is that Segaās seen Super Mario Brothers The Movie and š±has decided that lifeās too short. Fair enošugh.
WHY WEāRE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
We&rsqź¦uo;ve seen the Sonic anime movie and the cartoon, and whenever Sonic speaks itās a bit annoying. Seeing as the chances of a silent Sonic flick are slimmer than a live-action version starring a real hedgehog thatās been painted blue and stuck on rollerskates, weāre prepared to let this one go.
The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism.ꦺ They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, News Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Emily Murray. Expect exclusive news, reviews, features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.