We’ll tell you what the Wii needs: a bowling game. Imagine that, eh? One that somehow used the remote to simulate the underarm motion, maybe mapped the release to the B button, and got it right. Imagine if it was classily presented with easy instructions. Man, you’d play that wit🔯h granny at Christmas. It might even convince the parents that this videogaming lark is worth a go.

You can see where we’re heading. Let’s stop﷽ beating around this particular bush and just whack it: the controls in Midnight Bowling are not as accurate, easy to use or painstakingly refined as those in Wii Sports Bowling. W🎉hich was a freebie. Why Gameloft imagined people will pay actual money for this is totally beyond us.

There’s the usual assortment of celebrity-lite losers that stretch the definition of the term ‘character’🌟 to its fullest, and various venues with a different neon sign in the corner. The one thing this does have over Wii Bowling is a story mode, although thi✤s is only really necessary if you want to play virtual bowling on your own. It continues Gameloft’s habit of featuring stereotypes that want to ‘prove themselves’ through a sport their social class would never deign to touch in real life. Aspirational, yeah? Imagine someone swinging a bowling ball but not letting go. Several kilos of colored granite smash into their teeth, leaving them a pulped and bloody mess. That person is the unfortunate purchaser of Midnight Bowling.

Nov 5, 2008