Keanu Reeves
You may remember him from... ꧑Point Break, The Matrix Trilogy, A Scanner Darkly

Manfuzz
Top beard acti🔴on from Reeves in A Scanner Darkly proves heꦅ can grow it, but he doesn't wear it nearly as well as the other men in our list.

Husky tones
Okay, so this is a bit of a comedy addition. Can 🐷you imagine Keanu's woodworm-infested delivery tak🎀ing on Snake's battlefield bluntness? Exactly.

Psycho babble
At least Reeves leads the field in some way, though. His Matrix meanderings might not be that convi൩ncing, but he's at least comfortable with voicing some utterly ludicrous metaphysical rubbish.

Looks good in a cardboard box?
Too weedy, too poster-boyish, too empty-faced. Keanu -don't call us,🤪 we won't call you.