Gotham would've been better off if Batman stayed home

Batman loves Gotham City and will do anything to make sure it stays safe. Anything. This even means smashing it apart, blowing it up and basically causing thousands and thousands of dollars' worth of damage at the taxpayers' expense.🃏 Doucheman, more like.

I've picked through the rubble (or 'Bat-rubble' as he likes to call it) from that incredible-looking E3 trailer for Batman: Arkham Knight--see below--and totted up exactly how much he destroyed in the 85 seconds he was sat in the Batmobile. The list is pretty damning. So take a look and then ask yourself: who's the real threa🐟t to the city here?

Note: All values are in US dollars, because Gotham is meant to be in America.

Damage item #1: Iron railing

To be fair to Batman, he only ripped the very end-most post of these railings from the ground with the corner of his Batmobile. My research suggests "A fence contractor will charge $1,129 to remov🉐e and replac🐭e two 5-foot sections of angled ornamental iron stair railing on a small porch landing", so let's halve that for a conservative estimate of $500.

Then there's the paving underneath which costs around $30 per square metre, so add a replacement on (plus labour, of course) and we're looking at about $600 of damag﷽e just because he wanted to make up for the time he spent waiting for his suit to do up automaticall꧒y.

Damage item #2: Solid stone railing on staircase (plus light)

Those steps look like they've been there a long time, pr🦋obably a much-loved tourist spot for the city, underneath that Eiffel-esque tower. But Batman thinks nothing of ploughing🅰 straight through the partition, sending fragments of high-quality masonrywork cascading across the stairway.

This kind of stonework costs a lot of money. The steps will likely need replacing too. I'd estiꦛmate that's at least $500,000-worth, considerin﷽g these showpiece steps are likely granite or even marble. Batman--that isn't a road! STAHP, BATMAN!

Damage item #3: Stone planters

Leaping off the top of the antique steps, Batman plants the Batmobile back onto the ground with a perfect landing. A perfect landing spoiled only by a﷽ large stone planter. That could have been an accident, but he proceeds to smash through a second large stone plan♛ter. If I didn't know better, I'd say that Batman was enjoying smashing up stuff.

How much do these things cost? They're large and look to be made of the same stone that the stair partition was made of. Even mass-produced stone units cost 750 in the UK. Each. Maybe more, especially if they're made of the same stone as the steps. With labour (and the clean-up), that's at least $5,000 for the p✨air.

Damage item #4: Turf

OK, I'll admit the grass in this small park is too long and needs some attention. But even so, that doesn't excuse Batman driving on it in a car that must surely weigh a couple of tonnes, changing direction and digging a couplꦿe of large furro𒉰ws into its surface. Hardly a nice place for a picnic now, is it, B-man?

Turf prices vary and it's unclear exactly how much damage he does to its surface, but assuming even that main 50sq/m is all that needs replacing, that's approximately $200-worth of turf, a day of labour... that's another $1,000. Plus another $40 or so for the freestanding outdoor lights uprooted by the swerving Batmobile. And the electrician to rewire it all. So $1,250, I'd say. Was it really that much quicker than taking the road around the park? Batman? Hey, are you even listening to🅰 me?

Damage item #5: Paving slabs

What goes up must come down, but Batman does༒n't slow for the steps on the other side of the elevated parkland, instead just leaping straight down and slamming the Batmobile into the stone paving at the bottom. Of course the slabs are going to break, and they do.

That's about $30 for each slab, multiplied by 8 slabs = $240. Then they have to be laid by a team of contractors, so maybe $750 total. I sincerely hope it doesn't turn out that the whole lot needs redoing. I heard that stone can't be bought any more. Tut tut,𓃲 Batty, it's aꦍll adding up...

Damage item #6: A lamp post

After (very) wisely avoiding a ▨stone statue on some more steps, the next collision is mega-clumsy. Street lighting is not cheap and Batman's driven into a lamp post and knocked it over. In the UK, some councils appare🦄ntly charge you 1,200 for doing that, so by today's conversion rates that's about $2,000.

Nice job, Bat-brain. I hope you've got insurance. And no, it doesn't count as 🃏an 'act of mob'.

Damage item #7: Security fencing

Never mind the explosion beyond, Batman has bulldozed hi🦋s way through somebody's yard, first firing a rocket through a fencing panel, then driving through the rest. Not only is the fence destroyed, but now everything in the yard is open to thieves. Bravo, idiot.

Cost of that? Well, welded mesh fencing panels and installation could cost around $100. But someone's got to come out to give a quotation, then there's the time off work involved to be there when they call... what a mess. Who's to blame for all the inconvenience? One guess. Knock-i⛄t-flatman over there. Thanks for nothing, 'mate'.

Damage item #8: A lightbulb

Somehow, the shot that's fired by the Batmobile doesn't appear to break any ♛glass panels in this unusual standalone structure, but it does shoot out the lightbulb. That's either minor collateral damage or an exceptional skill-shot from a bored superhero who's making fun for himself.

Cost? 3.50 from Tesco, over here. So a few dollars, tops. But again, someone's got 𝐆to sweep up the old one ($10 for the lot). And I would bet any money the bat-broom won't be making an appearance.

Damage item #9: several destroyed vehicles

I won't ask questions like 'isn't Batman actually killing people now?' and instead focus on the clean-up operation that will be needed after all these cars a🦹re destroyed, littering the street with broken glass, twisted metal and probably spilled oil and gasoline too.

Batman destroys a total of TEN VEHICLES. UK councils charge 217.50 for removal of a single burned-out car, so that's over 2,000 for the set. But explosions like that are going to badly damage the surface of the road on several large areas. The whole street might need resurfacing, which is likely to cost around $100,000. *Heads turn slowly t🐽owards Batman*...

Damage item #10: A building's fascia

Three of the aforementioned vehicles are destroyed by Batman using lock-on missiles. Yes, proper surface-to-surface missiles in a suburban area, exploding three vehicles in close proximity, right next to a civilian building. The windows must surely be blown in, the masonry will need attention... it's likely structurally unsound, but only a ꦯchartered surveyor is going to be able to tell us, and they're not cheap. I also would be surprised if it hadn't started a fire, and is ღcertain to have damaged doorways, frames and internal possessions. The whole block might burn down! And nobody's going to be able to use that walkway across the street until it's been inspected. Way to go.

Who knows how much this one is going to cost to fix? Anywhere upwards of $250,000, I should imagine. There could be children in that building, Bats. Children. Yes, 'bat-children' if tha𝕴t helps you comprehend it.

Damage item #11: Unknown

Batman finishes his ramp🐻age in the Batmobile by revving up like a lunatic joyrider, dropping the clutch and doing a burnout like a street-racer (a street racer ON DRUGS), before tearing through the streets towards the harbour. As he reaches the waterside, what does he do? He leaps from his moving vehicle and flies off into the night.

The Batmobile cannot have stopped in that short distance, which means it is likely to have caused even more damage. The two telephone kiosks/parking meters? Certainly. Another lamp post? Without do☂ubt. Perhaps even the stone guardrail between the sidewalk and the water's edge. That's at least another (counts on fingers) $8,000, 🌠especially as telephone companies often require a minimum order.

"I'm running out of excuses, Batman"

So what's the total? Well, I'm afraid I need to get out my 'big' bat-calculator for this one. Wait, that can't be right... It says you caused approximately $869,710 of damage! In 85 seconds. That's $10,231 a second. What a lu🍸natic! Batman, Gotham's better off without you, mate. Either that or the public will start to wonder why Bruce Wayne is so happily offering to pay 🌃for everything you break...

Why is Batman such a douche?

Now there's a question for a final slide if ever I saw one. This is not the behaviour of someone with the city's best interests at heart. This is the behaviour of a reckless vigilante with expensive toys and a rich boy's mentality towards other people's property. Also, he *almost* ran someone over near the start of the sequence. Could have been looking at a court settlement too. Certainly not the hero Gotham deserves. Lucky for him, his game is looking incredible.

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