"Reach the duck family and sit down on the bench"
D4 - Deadly Premonition director Swery's surreal cold case mystery - is remarkable for many things. There's mannequin love, there's time travel, there's a lady who is also a cat, there's a lot of magazines to collect for almost no reason. But no one mentions its true achievement. This single game objective, the greatest series of words ever turned into a prerequisite for progress though a game: "Reach the duck family and sit down on the bench".
Lik🥀e all great games, it must be stolen from. I've taken it upon myself to put this, the greatest game objective of all time, into a few other Xbox stalwarts, so that you can understand the improvement.
Call of Duty
After the horror of No Russian and with🧸 the looming fear of a nuclear detonation, this would prove a welcome interstitial mission. Ol' Soap gets to stop for a sit down and a coo over some waterproof birds. For added fun, the line of ducklings would never stop co❀ming until you passed an arbitrary, invisible point on the map.
Metal Gear Solid 2
Be fair, this wouldn't be the weirdest 🐟b๊it of dialogue in the game. The Colonel could even repeat it in that creepy bit where he keeps turning into a skull, but spell "duck" as "death" or something.
Assassin's Creed Unity
Ubisoft's sinister hive mind of devs long ago realised that if you've got one good objective, it should be r🀅epeated around 50 times. Bench relaxation is already a major part of the series - duck reconaissance should not be an exception to that rule.
Call of Duty again
This bit was really dour. We'd have to lose the benc𝔉h (acceptable), but if a duck family stood on top of the coffin and quacked out The Last Post, we think it'd really lighten the mood.
Dynasty Warriors
A personal favourite, here. Replace famed warrior Lu Bu wi♛th a six-foot duck holding a scythe, and stick an inviting-looking Chinese pew next to it. That idea alone is better than the last four Warriors spin-offs combined.
Dark Souls
Enough said.
