You%26rsquo;re expecting us to say %26ldquo;We%26rsquo;ve had the time of our life,%26rdquo; aren%26rsquo;t you? Probably %26ldquo;nobody puts Baby in the corner%26rdquo; too.🦄 Maybe something about a melon. It%26rsquo;s the only reason you%26rsquo;re reading this review. You don%26rsquo;t care if this rancid collection of minigames is any good or not. You%26rsquo;re just here for Swayze 🐼puns, you filthy slut. You do know the man%26rsquo;s currently dying of pancreatic cancer, right?

Fine, fine. Watch us dance for you. We haven%26rsquo;t had the time of our life. We%26rsquo;d rather be put in a corner than have to play this melon of a game ever again. We%26rsquo;d prefer to be ravished by Swayze than to endure another of its shockingly irrelevant minigames. Snap? Find the object? Match-3? We don%26rsquo;t remember any of those appearing at Kellerman%26rsquo;s. Still, it%26rsquo;s nice that we can spend the points we%26rsquo;ve earned on a polar bearskin rug for our house. A house we can%26rsquo;t do anything with other than stare at, a crude, static vi📖sualization of all the time we%26rsquo;ve just wasted.

Dirty Dancing is solely concerned with making the box look like the movie ꦯDVD and with Photoshopping blurry screencaps of cast-members onto playing cards, while a few token songs from the soundtrack repeat ad infinitum. The entire game is only 70Mb, but even so it takes longer to install🎃 the thing than it probably did to develop it. When we were young, our sisters all had a Dirty Dancing phase. We remember thinking at the time that the daily 40 minute journey to school, listening to a fraction of that damned soundtrack on our parent%26rsquo;s cassette player, was probably what hell was like. Now we know we were wrong. Listening to that damned soundtrack blaring out of our 7.1 speakers while arranging badly-drawn pictures of sandwiches into stacks of three - that%26rsquo;s much more like eternal damnation.

May 22, 2008