Forget Michael Sheen’s latest bit of high profile mimicry as Brian Clough. The really impressive thing about The Damned United is that it’s that rarest of rare breeds – a half decent movie about football.
Hollywood’s history of celluloid soccerball bungles is a rich one. And football’s perceiv🌞ed lack of drama has led to some enjoyably jazzed up sports movies and preposterous on-pitch performances. Here are our favourites…
Jason Statham - Mean Machine (2001)
Burt Reynolds’ Grid Iron classic The Longest Yard begat this bastardised Brit remake starring Vinnie Jones as a disgraced footballer in the clink.
The Stath plays silently sociopathic goalkeeper The Monk in what basically amounts to a bullet-time heavy, martial arts fill⛎ed audition for preposto-action fare like The Transporter. In a football film. Weird.[page-break]
Sylvester Stallone - Escape To Victory (1981)
Sly’s turn as the reluct𓄧ant American goal🔯keeper playing for Michael Caine’s Nazi-battling band of brothers in this sporty twist on The Great Escape is a guilt-flecked treat.
The cast fa🌠mously featured real footballers like Pele but the moment of glory invariably♛ fell to the Hollywood star. He saves a key penalty in Rocky-grade super slo-mo and celebrates with an ‘80s jig John Hughes would dismiss as “too corny.”
Stephen Graham - The Damned United (2009)
OK, so there’s nothing wrong with the man who breathed terrifying life into This Is England’s Combo playing ‘7🐻0s bruiser Billy Bremner.
But that ludicrous ginger wig Stephen has t🀅o wear should have been ditched straight away. Lord knows how Michael Sheen kept a straight fa𝄹ce during takes. It looks like something Mick Hucknall’s cat coughed up.[page-break]
Sean Bean - When Saturday Comes (1996)
Mr Bean l🌳ends his “ee by gum” acting chops t🍷o this craptacular about a factory worker who improbably gets scouted to play for Sheffield United.
Play sports movie cliché bingo as l🅷ocal lad Jimmy struggles with alcoholism – tick – argues with his pregnant girlfriend – tick – scowls at stuff – double tick – and boozes the night before a big trial – house!
Kuno Becker - Goal (2005)
The Mexican telenovela dreamboat played pluck🎶y South American soccer star Santiago Nunez in what’s essentially a series of extended Adidas adverts.
The young scamp meets David Beckham, cosies up to Anna Friel’s wonky accented Geordie nurse – “Eey oop, it’s Santi, like” – aꦇnd turns “goal face” gurning into an art form.[page-break]
Freddie Prinze Jr - She’s All That (1999)
As trailer voiceover man intones, Zach Siler is the class president, 💜the most po🔯pular kid in school and a star soccer player. Woah! What? Soccer player? What kind of jumped up movie high school is this?
Yep, when Zach wasn’t trying to de-ugly the not remotely hideo💝us Rachael Leigh Cook, he was taking part in unconvincingly action-packed games of “sawker”.
Will Ferrell - Kicking & Screaming (2005)
He may have💞 been a kiddie soccer coach rather than an actual player but the Ferrellian take on football was wholly ridiculou🧸s. And not in a good way.
Will&rsqu๊o;s well-worn shouty jerk shtick barks orders from the touchline. But he’s less convincing than he was as a figure skater, a NASCAR driver or Nicole Kidman’s boyfriend. And that’s really 🎶saying something.
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