Ridley & Tony Scott
The Plot: Sick of COBRA, the G.I. Joe Team launch an all-out attack on the villains' base, a blizzard of shock and awe so frenetic it needs two Scotts to fully convey.
Key Characters: Shipwreck and Payload, the commanders of the sea and air aꦉssault teams, respectively.
Stand-Out Scene: The planes attack... in Tony's trademarked tech-porn of slo-mo and steel light.
Starring: Rusಞsell Crowe as Shipwreck; Denzel Washington as Payload.
David Fincher
The Plot: Realising that new business Extensive Enterprises is a front for COBRA's terrorist operations, the Joes must fight a psychological war in the boardroom.
Key Characters: COBRA'🍌s identical "Crimson Twi🔯ns," Tomax and Xamot - apparently successful businessman, but really commanders of COBRA's fearsome Crimson Guard.
Stand-Out Scene: An argument between the twins descends into a bloody, bare-knuckle scrap.
Starring: Arnie Hammer as Tomax; Arnie Hammer as Xamot
Sam Raimi
The Plot: While attempting to raid a COBRA base, the Team falls victim to COBRA's latest weapon: a soundwave generator that induces hallucinations of demented monsters.
Key Character: Breaker, the communications officer whose headphones prote🎃ct himಌ from the madness.
Stand-Out Scene: A monster dives into a soldier's ear...and the camera follows it in.
Starring: Bruce Campbell, replacing Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker🌄.
The Coen Brothers
The Plot: The Joes discovers that one of its foot-soldiers is a mathematical whizz who can help them destroy COBRA's technology. Unfortunately, he's also a headcase.
Key Character: Volatile genius Short-Fuze.
Stand-Out Scene: Short-Fuze illustrates how his mathematical formula works by repeatedly punches a screaming fat man in the face.
Starring: Josh Brolin.
Martin Scorsese
The Plot: The G.I. Joe Team discovers that one of its number is a COBRA spy. Meanwhile, Joe's own undercover agent, Chuckles, struggles with guilt over the death of his wife.
Key Character: Chuckles, somewhat ironically named here because his extrovert 🌌a꧟ppearance hides inner turmoil.
Stand-Out Scene: Chuckles - in character as a villain - laughs manically while killing one of his closest friends, until he hears his wife's favourite song playing on the jukebox and breaks down in tears.
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio as Chuckles
Kathryn Bigelow
The Plot: A squadron of Joes is stranded in COBRA-controlled territory and must fight their way out of the jungle to survive.
Key Characters: ඣ♏ Jungle trooper Recondo and tracker Spirit, the only men who can lead the team to safety.
Stand-Out Scene: Sweaty palms time as Spirit accidentally leads the squadron into a minefield.
Starring: Jeremy Renner as Recondo; Kean Reeves as Spirit
Steven Spielberg
The Plot: The G.I. Joe Team thaw out a frozen WWII soldier, experimented on by the Nazis, who now possesses unusual strength to help them fight COBRA.
Key Character: Sgt Savage, who has to adꦫapღt to the modern world while trying to cope with the fact that his father has died while he was in hibernation.
Stand-Out Scene: Shown an iPod for the first time, Savage's inital fear melts into childlike awe when he sees the light beaming from its screen.
Starring: Shia LaBeouf as Sgt Savage.
Edgar Wright
The Plot: A rom-com with a difference, as two G.I. Joe soldiers find they're falling in love while they're kicking terrorist ass.
Key Characters: Cov༒ert ops specialist Lady Jaye and rugged warrant officer Flint.
Stand-Out Scene: Lady Jaye and Flint's first date turns into a restaurant-trashing dust-up when they can't agree who will pay the bill.
Starring: Anna Ken♛drick as Lady Jaওye; Brandon Routh as Flint
Christopher Nolan
The Plot: When COBRA explodes a reality bomb, the G.I. Joe team is dispersed into a number of alt-realities. Their only salvation lies in the hands of a turncoat COBRA fighter.
Key Character: Storm Shadow, the COBRA ninja who has an attack of 🌊conscience and has to fight through the different realities to rescue the Joe 🤡team.
Stand-Out Scene: Bale fights COBRA in a forest world where everything is upside-down .
Starring: Christian Bale as Storm Sꦍhadoꦺw, replacing Byung Hun-Lee.
Robert Zemeckis
The Plot: COBRA's latest super-weapon transforms the G.I. Joe Team into toys.
Key Characters: Only the core characters, but mo-capped to 🐓resemble their original 1980s ꦍaction figures.
Stand-Out Scene: In the heat of battle, Duke can't quite get his gun to fit into his plastic hand.
Starring: Jim Carrey as everyone.
David Cronenberg
The Plot: COBRA creates a new leader by mixing D.N.A. from history's most vicious leaders. Inevitably, it goes a bit wrong.
Key Character: Serpentor, a schizoid mutant whose ge🅰netic ancestry makes him more mental than even꧋ COBRA intended.
Stand-Out Scene: A psychological and physical meltdown sees Serpentor spewing vile Nazi rhetoric while his mouth transforms into forked tongue and fangs.
Starring: Viggo Mortensen
Christopher Morris
The Plot: With the U.S. public sick of the Joes' destructive ways, it's time to wins back their hearts and minds and hires a P.R. guru.
Key Character: Scoop - journalist, publicist and expert phone hack🌳er🉐.
Stand-Out Scene: Scoop reveals his latest publicity campaign: "don't fuck with us 'cause we know where you live."
Starring: Paddy Considine
Quentin Tarantino
The Plot: Complete reboot, as the new G.I. Joe Extreme commandos take on the threat of SKAR (Soldiers of Khaos, Anarchy and Ruin) in a cinematic bloodbath.
Key Characters: Field commander Lieutenant Stone versus SKAR tyไrant Iron Klaw.
Stand-Out Scene: While their armies wage war, Stone and Iron Klaw discuss the relative merits of John Woo and Sam Peckinpah.
Starring: Brad Pitt as Stone; John Travolta as Iron Klaw.
Lars Von Trier
The Plot: In an austere Arctic base, a trio of G.I. Joe operatives go insane trying to justify U.S. militarism. Self-mutilation and talking polar bears are soon to follow.
Key Characters: Winter 🐬warriors Snow-Job, Avalanche and Frostbite.
Stand-Out Scene: Snow-Job sticks his dick into the ice for 24 hours and then snaps it off.
Starring: Willem Dafoe, Paul Bettany, Björk.
M. Night Shyamalan
The Plot: When mysterious events incapitate the G.I. Joe Team, they assume it to be COBRA's work...but, in an unexpected twist, it turns out they are toys being controlled by a sadistic manchild.
Key Character: Communications Officer🍌 Dial Tone, who figures out wha🃏t's going on.
Stand-Out Scene: Dial Tone realises the truth when the new recruit still has a price tag on his chest.
Starring: 🌳Haley Joel Osment as Dial Tone; M. Night Shyamalan as the T♚oymaster.
James Cameron
The Plot: A new recruit faces the wrath of the Team's sadistic drill sergeant, before being thrown into a global battle - in 3D.
Key Characters: Grunt, the everyman soldier, a♔nd taskmaster Sgt Slaughter.
Stand-Out Scene: Grunt aims a rocket launcher at a helicopter and fires. Rocket, fire and shrapnel all burst out of the screen - in 3D.
Starring: Sam Worthington as Grunt; B𝕴ill Paxton as Sgt Slaughter
Oliver Stone
The Plot: The G.I. Joe Team is shocked to discover that COBRA's latest military commander is a mercenary with links to the U.S. Government.
Key Character: Am🧜oral 🌄one-eyed Major Bludd, who will kill anyone for the right price.
Stand-Out Scene: The closing half-hour monologue, in which Bludd justifies his actions via a potted history of the military-industrial complex.
Starring: Michael Douglas as Major Bludd
Adam McKay
The Plot: A comedic spin, in which the Team's hapless driver inadvertently saves America from extinction.
Key Characters: Clutch, the sexist🐼 driver who would rather make a pass at the ladies than fight terrorists.
Stand-Out Scene: The "drive-off" with a rival aide de camp, in which Clutch uses imported pegasus blood to ensure he wins.
Starring: Will Ferrell as Clutch.
Francis Ford Coppola
The Plot: While General Hawk wrestles with unleashing an attack that will wipe out COBRa but cause millions of civilian deaths, flashbacks fill in the details of his formative experiences running black ops for the Reagan administration.
Key Character: This one's very much Hawk's show.
Stand-Out Scene: Hawk earns his wings by assassinating a Central America dictator in a toilet.
Starring: Alden Ehrenreich as the young Hawk; Denn🃏is Quaid (of course) as the older Hawk.
Steven Soderbergh
The Plot: Experimental drama set entirely in a forest where a G.I. Joe sniper awaits further orders
Key Character: Crosshair, a man who is only happy when he has someth🦹ing to shoot in his sights.
Stand-Out Scene: The blue-filtered flashback to Clooney's pre-assassin life, if only because it's the only bit where something happens.
Starring: George Clooney.
Wes Anderson
The Plot: "Sometimes, being a super-soldier is a real drag. Why can't General Hawk, like, just leave me alone?"
Key Character: Deep-Six, the Team's socially awkward deep sea⛎ diver and pilot of flying submarine S.H.A.R.C.
Stand-Out Scene: Duke's Epiphany, set to the strains of The Kinks 'Sunny Afternoon,' as he realises he's beginning to like Deep-Six's habit of taking afternoon tea underwater.
Starring: Jason Schwartzman as Deep-Six.
Robert Rodriguez
The Plot: Blaxploi💦tation flavoured actioner in which G.I. Joe's latest recruitment drive turns a gourmet chef into a killing machine.
Key Character: ꧟ Roadblock - part chef, part machine g♚unner, all man.
Stand-Out Scene: Roadblock kills half a dozen COBRA agents... with a wok.
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson.
George Lucas
The Plot: Duke turns to the Dark Side and kills all of the G.I. Joe Team. 20 years later, his long-lost son defeats him with the help of some CGI dog-creatures or some shit like that.
Key Character: L'il Duke, who grows𒆙 up under COBRA's reign of terror unaware🦩 that the perp is actually his pa.
Stand-Out Scene: Having run out of bullets, L'il Duke wraps a towel around the barrel, sets fire to it and wields it like a sabre.
Starring: Haydn Christiansen as L'il Duke.
