Transformers 'Optimus Prime Being Sick' Cake
First up - the crappy confecti🎃ons, the baked bads...
That is, cakes produced with good intentions and a c🌸lear passion for the movies that inspired them - but which 😼leave a lot to be desired in the conception/design department.
We kick off with the boss of the Autobots after a heavy binge on chocolate-orange, sa💙ts✅uma and carrot smoothies.
Star Trek 'Vulgar Vulcan' Cake
Well, no.
Fanboyish pants of lust for t⛄he rebooted sci-fi series are very easy to mo🔯ck.
But when they're manifes🐻ted in the form of a curious coconut oblong with blue (never blue!) squidge-trimming and a crudely colour-printed pic of the Enterprise... mock we m𒆙ust do.
And what's with the legend? 'Live Long & Prosdfdsfper'? Eh? Enunciate! And ♚get your letters more central by measuring the white space ratio before yo♔u commence piping...
Star Wars 'Proud Daddy Darth Vader' Cake
Oh, dear Christ.
Now we all know 'Vader' is Dutch for 'father', but it's one hell of a light-speed leap to cast the evꦺillest man in the ga🦹laxy as the source and protector of an ickle baby girl.
There's also the disturbing implication that the kid belongs ꦡto someone else and this charming sce⛦ne merely depicts Uncle Darth paying a visit.
We dou♏bt he could curb his instincts and not use The Force to yank out the incubator ꦿplug when no-one was watching.
Monsters vs Aliens 'Play Doh Bob' Cake
Well, it's Bob and it's jolly𝔍 and a great representation of the character and allꦰ that, but...
Again, blue. 🌠It's rubbery and Play Doh-ish and has an air of 'If Ingested Orally, Seek Medical Advice Immediately'.
We're sepa🌠rated from the animals by not eating b🧸lue things.
Except the blueberry.
Friday The 13th 'Beaten-Up Jason' Cake
Oh, Mr Voorhees! You rock, Mr Voorhees! You're an icon for disaffected, disfigured youth the ๊world over!
We've made a special cupcake toꦍ commemorate your homic🀅idal excellentness, Mr Voorhees.
We think we were going for an Edvard Mu🔥nch's 'Scream'-type tribute, but it looks more like you've been badly beaten about the face and neck w🍬itha spanner.
Please don't hurt us, Mr Voorhees.
Transformers 'Stabbed-To-Death Optimus Prime' Cake
Earlier, we enjoyed the spectacle of Mr Optimus Prime vomming up a tsunami o🔯f orange sick.
This cake arജtist has chosen a different, much more disturbing, bodily expulsiღon - good old-fashioned vein-juice.
We do ᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚhope that Kenny's had at least 17 previous birthdays because this splatterific vision of the Chief Autobot sliced up with a metal-piercing machete is a big bucket of wrong.
We call the bright-red bottom-right corner piece!
ET 'Make The Zombie Spaceman Go Away, Mummy!' Cake
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
ITS EYES ARE DRILLING THROUGH MY MIND!!
Steven Spielberg's ET - a lovable little alien f♎ella who just wanted to get back to his home planet.
This - a horrific, mummified vision i🍬n fatty pastry bandages, bloodshot ♑eye-whites and - oh God oh God - what's that stuff COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH!???
Shrek 'The Congealed Bogeys Of A Thousand Maniacs' Cake
Bring back ET! He was a cud🌊dly, mildly creepy cake-m♉ess compared to this howling monstrosity of unrelenting, bright green terror.
It's a jelly thing, 🐽yes. But it's a jelly thing that appears to be a murdered man's cut-off face grotesquely mutated and jammed into a wobbly great blob of pepperminty Hell.
It's the kind of jelly confection a Broadmoor inmate would create to prove he's getting better - only to have an extra 500 yea♔rs added to his sentence at the request෴ of a traumatised 'kitchen activities' teacher.
Batman 'Massive Blue Pants' Cake
Y'see, Batman's okay. But the black costume, doomy demeanour... it's all a bit done .
What he really needs is a reinterpretation - an image makeover recasting him as a big fat man in an ill-fitting children's playsuit, h﷽ands on hips, showing off his shiny belt buckle which🧸 is wrapped around big, billowing blue pants that resemble a nappy.
And he should be resting ♕on top of an old flannel.
Enough, then, with the cack confectionary.
Here's a few movie cakes we genuinely love...
Raiders Of The Lost Ark Idol Plinth Cake
Wonderful. A warm and fuzzy homage to Indy's opening Mayan-temple misadventure that's bot🅠h edible and utterly inspired.
We love the little pressure platform, the detail in the etchings, the fact that it looks like a load of ultra-sickly dou⛄ghnuts piled on top of each other...
But most of all we love the littl🔥e marzipan sandbag. Accessorisation and glory...
Cars Mater Rusty-Chocolate-Type Cake
In Pixar's Cars, Mater was The Stupid One. The tarnished pick-up truck hick there to make Lightning Mc-frickin'-Queen seem ꦗsix times as smug.
Here, he's a beauti✤fully crafted vision in what looks like chocolatey, fudgey, toffee-y, rust-effect... stuff.
We'd go♑ for that yummy-looking creamy eye-white first. Hack it out with an ice-cream scoop.
Take an eyeball with it.
Than, lop off the top. Scalp him!
Mmm... mutilation.
Back To The Future 'Leather-Effect' Delorean Cake
Well, as Marty says to Doc, if you're gonna build a time-🅺machine into a car (or a cake that looks like a car time-machine), you might as well do it with style...
We're not sure what this one is made of (edible leather?) but you've gotta love the meticulous styling and supremely unnecessary attention to detail ඣ- including the plutonium port at the back.
Corpse Bride Cadaverous-But-Delicious Cake
Tim Burton's under🌳rated stop-motion Gothic folk-tale rendꦆered in appropriately deathly pale-blue gnarled/barbed branches and clammy grey spider-webs.
The perfect solution for mopey but t𝄹wee-at-heart Marilyn Manson couples.
And this one clearly has the best u🐬nnecessary but wondrous detail of this whole cake parade: the little blue butterflies flitting around the happy/crappy couple...
Friday The 13th Jason 'Yes It Actually Is A Cake' Cake
Cake design 🅠brothers Antoni and Edward Frys mixed up this killer confection that's not so much a themed cake as food fine art.
The face is sugar paste, the jacket is tinted and airbrushed fondant and the cake itself it chocolate with🌳 vanilla icing.
Still, we don't fancy facing it cooling off in a gl♊oomy kitchen during a sleepy midnight fridge-raid.
Nightmare Before Christmas Ornamental Wondercake
Again, a lovingly crafted sweetmeꦺat sculp🧔ture more suited to the mantelpiece than chopped into bits and served as a tea compliment.
It transposes Tim Burton's entire production design into a five-lꦿayered labour of love... Chocolatey-orange base, beautifully adorned, porcelain-like fondant top layers and a glorious curly, ice-creamy top for Jack Skellington and rag-doll missus Sally.
Best bit, though: the suꦓn behind the characters. Should really be the moon - with a black, not orange background - but we'll let it go...
Wall-E Staggeringly Ace Marzipan Masterpiece Cake
Just - wow.
Another incredible piece o♈f theme cak💫e/very fine art from the Fry brothers.
Sad to imagine that the little guy has probably been long picked apart by corporate vultures at some launch party, but we'll always have that little fleck of sugary rust on the fire 🏅extinguisher...
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Invididual cake sources:
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