10 reasons to hate every console
No system is safe as we rip into each game machšine on today's market
Above: Final Fantasy IV - looks good for DS, but no better than PSone
Below: God of War: Chains of Olympus on PSP
āBest graphicsā donāt happen that often: Most DS developers seem content sticking with Super NES-level 2D graphics and occasional 3D effects that wouldnāt look out of place in a PSone game. When developers DO make the effort to push the systemās visual limits, the result is all too frequently a shoddy 3D abomination with clunky controls that wouldnāt have been fun in 1999. Just⦠just please, stop trying to make first-person shooters until you know how to make them right.
Above: Technically impressive, immensely boring
Friend codes: Hey, want to play online? Guess what youāll need to exchange? The 16-digit Friend Codes that make online play so onerous on the Wii originated on the DS, partly in order to give the appearance of protecting children from roving online pedophiles. Once again, we learn that thereās nothing a concerned parent canāt ruin for everyone else.
Baby games for babies: The DS has pioneered the rise of what might be the worst genre ever: baby games. And we donāt just mean crappy games intended for toddlers ā we mean shit like this:
Above: ENJOY āEXCITINGā NEW VIRTUAL PET
Thatās just the tip of the awful iceberg, as the DS is almost as notorious as the āWii and PC for crappy shovelware. Endless virtual-pet sims aside, it seems like for every quality DS game, there are about a hundred crappy minigame collecš°tions, half-baked games based on Disney Channel properties and pricey adaptations of free Flash games that are somehow worse than the originals.
New versions every two years: The original DS was released in 2004, and as of this writing weāre weeks away from its third iteration. Consoles donāt do this. The PSP doesnāt go through complete overhauls every time an updated version cš¼omes out. But itās been Nintendoās M.O. since the company introduced the Game Boy Color, and each iteration of the Game Boy saw stopgap models released just a year or two before the next major upgrade.
Above: The DS circa 2004, 2006 and this April
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The Color was one, and so was the GBA Micro. Tą²he DSi is suspiciously similar, what with its raft of little upgrades that donāt do much to improve the overall experience. Admittedly, itās a wickedly savvy business strategy, but how many times are we going to have to buy this thing before Nintendoās satisfied?
One step forward, one step back: While weāre on the topic of the DSi, itās worth noting that it removes an important feature in exchange for the ones it adds. The slot for Game Boy Advance games is gone, so forget about playing your old carts ā or, for that matter, Guitar Hero or any other games that use the slot for hardware add-ons.
No MP3s: While weāre still on the topic, what the hell is up with the DSiās music capabilities? The machine now has a slot for SD cards, which is great, and it can store and play music files, which is even better. But for some reason it only supports AAC files, meaning that anyone hoping to use it to play MP3s ā like, you know, every other successful digital audio device ever ā is S.O.L.
Advertising model: Remember back when Nintendoās ads were all about showcasing new games and playing with power? Now theyāre about celebrities sitting around on soft-focus couches and playing games that came out two years ago, like this bit starring Lisa Kudrow and Professor Layton:
Again, we know: Nintendo needs to appeal to its customer base, which is entirely made up of middle-aged women who like watching famous people react to sedate puzzle games. Or at least it will be, at this rate.
Nintendo abstains: As a game maker, Nintendo has almost single-handedly carried every console itās made since the N64. With the DS, however, itās mostly contented itself with making things like Nintendogs and Brain Age, while releases like New Super Mario Bros., Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, Advance Wars: Days of Ruin and Metroid Prime: Hunters are few and far between. Meanwhile, third-party publishers have stepped in to dominate the system with their Castlevanias, Final Fantasies and Grand Theft Autos. As happy as we are that thereās no shortage of games we want to play on the thing, itād be great if Nintendo combined its fat stacks of cash with the relatively low cost and difficulty of making DS games, and started cranking out awesome new games that⦠that didnāt involve Link driving a goddamn train.
Above: Bleah